Getting to work (after I make toast)

I am blogging about my 40-day abundance journey using the Prosperity Principles in “The Abundance Book” by John Randolph Price.

Day 16

My inner supply instantly and constantly takes on form and experience based on my needs and desires, and as the Principle of Supply in action, it is impossible for me to have any needs or unfulfilled desires. 

When I meditated on this Principle 10 days ago, I focused on an ingrained behavior pattern of going shopping after work, not because I need anything, but because I wanted to avoid going home. Home was often a lonely place, filled with landmines and it was easier to pass time among agnostic things to buy than face the work that needed doing behind my front door. I didn’t publish what I wrote because my post took on a life of its own and became more about the circumstances of my first marriage than about the abundance journey.

Revisiting the principles several times allows for different interpretations, which I am grateful for. I am struggling with the journey right now, feeling like I am going in and out of awareness and ease. I’m eating too much and allowing myself to be distracted from the work that needs doing. And that is it, really. I am allowing myself to be distracted from the work that needs doing — I might as well be shopping at TJ Maxx right now.

I just brought in my first big user research job and I am proud of myself. It is a big deal for me to step out into a solo career, doing something new and be able to bring in work that I am excited to do. But now I am scared. I have a lot that I promised and have to deliver on and instead of rolling up my sleeves and getting to it, I am eating bread and allowing myself to drift. So afraid of a big job, I disappear into myself. I have done this all my life. So in a way, the Principle is delivering — it is taking on a form (distractions) based on my desire to be distracted. Why did I think that Spirit would bring what I really need, not necessarily what I am saying I need? That Spirit would see through my bargaining and deliver what She knows I really want deep down? The deal is I do my part and Spirit will do her part. I work and God works. It isn’t passive and Spirit isn’t Yoda, giving me a stern talking to when I want to give up.

The minute I get to work, Spirit will be there with me, feeding me source energy. But I have to get to work.

 

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What if it isn’t pretty?

I am blogging about my 40-day abundance journey using the Prosperity Principles in “The Abundance Book” by John Randolph Price.

Day 15

Money is not my supply. No person, place or condition is my supply. My awareness, knowledge, and understanding of the all-providing activity of the Divine Mind within me is my supply. My consciousness of this truth is unlimited, therefore my supply is unlimited. 

There may be circumstances that make people, places or conditions seem like the source of abundance, but they, as independent entities, are not my supply. I feel abundant in the times when I am vibing with people, in beautiful nature or experiencing something wonderful, I am more likely to open my heart and be harmonious with Spirit. That allows abundance to flow freely and everything to become elevated. The challenge is to open myself to Spirit when I am in chilly gray New York City, working from home when everyone else is at an office, unmotivated to leave my apartment but also unmotivated to read my cards or meditate or move. I am blocking the flow, blocking the ease with my feelings of unease. I don’t doubt that the supply is unlimited, but I am having difficulty letting it guide me when my circumstances aren’t uplifting. That’s the work, yes?

Two steps back

I found this in my drafts folder from last October. So much has changed since I wrote this, I am posting as a reminder that heavy days are temporary, but the mood swings caused by sugar are forever.

Life is funny. I’ve moved forward, thinking I got through some rough times and emerged on the other side to happier, lighter days, but then, inexplicably, I’m right smack dab back in the mire. Why is that? I am exercising, which creates good endorphins. And I haven’t quit, which makes me proud. I am working, though not at what I want to be doing, but working nonetheless. We’re still in the running for the house in the Catskills, overcoming obstacle after obstacle with a fair amount of grace. Tom and I are doing alright. It’s a rough patch, but we’re muddling through.

I have been feeling so left out of life lately because I am not a mom. Last night, we went to a birthday party for one of Tom’s friends and I felt so odd. The women there were either new moms or newly married and planning already for their kids. It’s difficult not to be defensive when I explain why we don’t have kids. And when someone asks, I definitely feel like I have to explain. Maybe women don’t give it another thought. Maybe they aren’t judging me at all. Maybe it’s all in my head because I feel less than great about our decision. I think I will always feel less than great about it. It is rough to be excluded from the mommy club, especially when there aren’t many people asking to spend time with us and New York isn’t a city I particularly want to go out in. Will it be different upstate? I hope so.

My malaise could also be a product of the massive amount of sugar I’ve been consuming. I drop down to nothing and feel vulnerable at the core after I eat candy, but I eat it anyway. Halloween is filled with so many memories and I want to keep making more, but it is a hard one when you are too old to go party and not able to enjoy as a parent. There must be another option. Tomorrow we are going on a hike, which I hope will shake out the cobwebs and negative feelings and flush the sugar swings. A bit of nature will help things out. It always does.