Through my consciousness of my God-Self, the Christ within, as my Source, I draw into my mind and feeling nature the very substance of Spirit. This substance is my supply, thus my consciousness of the Presence of God within me is my supply.
I read this a few times and thought it was fairly straightforward: My awareness of the Source (cheese station) is the Thing (my capitalization) and the Thing is my supply for abundance.
Another way of saying it: My awareness that the cheese station is inside me, providing me with all the cheese I could ever want is what actually supplies me with the cheese.
But when I meditated on this, I quickly felt small again (this amount of love is too much!) so I pushed into that feeling to try to understand why. I have been using the cheese analogy because it is funny and light and safe (and I do love cheese), but it’s simply a cover for what I really want.
When it comes down to it, and I feel childish and needy for admitting this, I want:
- To feel loved actively and consistently.
- To feel important to others.
- To feel considered by others.
Consistency was never something I had in my family. I remember a lot of drama as my parents struggled with their relationship to each other. My dad was both physically and emotionally distant and my mom was underwater much of the time. My brother and sister and I were raised to be independent and hardy types and teasing was often used as a tool to toughen us up. I hated being teased but had to suck it up, not cry and learn to either give it back or shake it off. We weren’t particularly kind to each other, so I grew up not knowing what kindness feels like. I knew I wanted it, but I couldn’t seem to manifest it in myself or others.
It’s interesting what skills you are sent out into the world with. I remember being possessive and then abruptly cutting friends off when they showed interest in anyone but me (particularly anyone new). This behavior ensured that my friends would distance themselves from me so I didn’t have to feel so hurt when they would, ultimately, leave. The sad thing is, I don’t know if anyone would have ever left on their own accord, had I been able to let my friendships develop organically.
Ultimately I didn’t think the love I gave was worth much and I couldn’t accept that I was much worth loving. It was a lose/lose and I am amazed I am still here.
When I write that I want to feel important and considered, it is both the giving and the receiving I want. I want friends and family to think of me and share that thought via a text or phone call or some tangible thing. I also want to recognize and accept the love they are already giving me. The fact is, I have friends who are active and I often let their texts go unanswered for days. Is this me retreating back to my feeling not worthy of love? Sabotaging the friendships I want so much? Excuse the language, but that shit is fucked up. I want to be considerate. I want to love my friends actively, not just when we are face to face but during the act of living and I want to feel loved by them too. That is what abundance would be to me — feeling like there was plenty of love for me. Enough to swim in. Enough love that I wouldn’t have to make due with $17.50.
When I allow myself to become very aware of Christ within as the source of all this love, I am filled with an expansive feeling of joy. It fills my chest. This must be the substance of Spirit. So this feeling is my supply of love — all the love I ever need. Enough to swim in. My God-Self is all the love I can give and receive. This will make me a better person. This will allow me to love better. This is inside me already!