Two steps back

I found this in my drafts folder from last October. So much has changed since I wrote this, I am posting as a reminder that heavy days are temporary, but the mood swings caused by sugar are forever.

Life is funny. I’ve moved forward, thinking I got through some rough times and emerged on the other side to happier, lighter days, but then, inexplicably, I’m right smack dab back in the mire. Why is that? I am exercising, which creates good endorphins. And I haven’t quit, which makes me proud. I am working, though not at what I want to be doing, but working nonetheless. We’re still in the running for the house in the Catskills, overcoming obstacle after obstacle with a fair amount of grace. Tom and I are doing alright. It’s a rough patch, but we’re muddling through.

I have been feeling so left out of life lately because I am not a mom. Last night, we went to a birthday party for one of Tom’s friends and I felt so odd. The women there were either new moms or newly married and planning already for their kids. It’s difficult not to be defensive when I explain why we don’t have kids. And when someone asks, I definitely feel like I have to explain. Maybe women don’t give it another thought. Maybe they aren’t judging me at all. Maybe it’s all in my head because I feel less than great about our decision. I think I will always feel less than great about it. It is rough to be excluded from the mommy club, especially when there aren’t many people asking to spend time with us and New York isn’t a city I particularly want to go out in. Will it be different upstate? I hope so.

My malaise could also be a product of the massive amount of sugar I’ve been consuming. I drop down to nothing and feel vulnerable at the core after I eat candy, but I eat it anyway. Halloween is filled with so many memories and I want to keep making more, but it is a hard one when you are too old to go party and not able to enjoy as a parent. There must be another option. Tomorrow we are going on a hike, which I hope will shake out the cobwebs and negative feelings and flush the sugar swings. A bit of nature will help things out. It always does.